it has been a while (warning very lengthy!)
I am very sorry for leaving so abruptly and not posting in all honesty i hate my tumblr, this will be a personal post, i never bothered with this kind of thing before but i just had the urge to write down my feelings and apologise for not replying to any messages i received i’ve just not been on this site at all. I really hate my tumblr, i didn’t realise how unhappy i was for the last 2 years or so till i moved away and since i have found myself in a new light and am feeling happy pretty much all the time which is incredible! everytime i look through this tumblr i hate it more and more not the pictures i posted i just spent my time wishing i was somewhere else and quite despising my life as it was and i feel that the person you see on here just isn’t a true reflection of myself, to an extent it is of course i never tried to be something else i just dont think i enjoyed being me and hadn’t really figured out who that was.. at the time i didn’t see this but now i seriously do. The past few months have been amazing, i’ve never felt so vibrant comfortable and confident in my own skin and have never enjoyed peoples company the same way.. going out, socialising even being around others used to make me feel uncomfortable and i isolated myself a lot of the time simply due to an awful state of mind i only ever talked to maybe one person about the way i felt and so i turned to meditation as a way to calm myself but really it was just a way to escape my thoughts which is certainly not the point of meditation, its to face things for what they are and find peace and reach a calm place in which you can practice the process of doing nothing, relaxation. So i used this site to try and make myself feel more secure, just to know someone was there to make me feel less lonely i found it hard to make friendships and connections with others and i just wanted to feel part of something, i carried on using this but it just felt so fake so i abruptly stopped. i’ve never felt so lucky and happy as i do today and my relationships with friends and family as well are the most amazing they have been and i feel i have really evolved as a person i know myself, i understand me and my confidence has soared, i lost the person i really was underneath a head of wet clouds and mist and to find myself again has been the most incredible journey. When i moved away i said to myself all i want to do is meet as many people as i can, experience as much as possible and have a happy time and so i have really thrown myself out there and done just that to be honest.. when i said that i used to be shy my friends laughed out loud and didn’t believe me which made me light up inside, it means that i have finally been able to love myself.. not in a vain way but more that i feel peace within myself and am truly confident in my body and skin. Living here the only mirror i ever use is a small thing in the bathroom i used to constantly make sure i looked ok i had mirrors everywhere to reassure myself i felt THAT awful in my skin.. but now i hardly even look in one before i leave the house.. makeup is a thing of the past im far less bothered about what others think and it just feels so liberating to not care! i feel calm, chilled and peaceful and i have really found value in the things that i lacked before.. im sure nobody will read this and care, it probably just sounds like one huge brag but i really dont want it to sound like that at all im not here to go on about myself and gloat im here because some of the messages on here helped me through so much and i value you taking the time to do that and i feel that i really should take the time to explain myself, explain about me a bit about my life and share something that i was so scared to share before. I am going to be getting rid of this tumblr but i’m going to start a new one i really admire the community on here and i want to talk and share something genuine and meet some lovely people if there is anyone out there that would like to have a pleasant conversation with me! this time it wont be some escape or seek for approval it will be a reflection of my growingly good state of mind, i feel better i dont feel weighed down anymore so for all the amazing people on here that were there for me even during those times thank you i may of acted ignorant but i never ignored that i promise you. Love love love xxxx
